Megyn Kelly stirred up a whirlwind this week when she revealed that Santa Claus was white. This was in response to a story from Slate magazine's Aisha Harris, who stated that maybe it was time to retire the race-specific St. Nick with a race-neutral penguin. But Ms. Kelly spoke up for the truth. She knew, without a doubt, that this fictional character was white. She said:
For all you kids watching at home, Santa's just is white. But this person is maybe just arguing that we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is, and just so you know, we're just debating this because someone wrote about it, kids.
And to drive her point home that we have things twisted she added that Jesus was white too. Right-wingers and Tea Baggers applauded her because for years liberals have done nothing but declare a war on Christmas (which ostensibly means a war on white people). But as Megyn said, "it's about the children." So to help her out and to help all those kids who may have the race of some of pop culture's and history's most well-known figures wrong, I've compiled a list to help the children get it right:
#1. Miss Piggy is white.
And not because she has blond hair and blue eyes (I mean, so does L'il Kim). It's because she dresses well. White women are the height of fashion. And nobody has relentlessly chased a man from another race (or another species) like Miss Piggy and Kim Kardashian, who is also white if you needed to know.
#2. Ronald McDonald is white.
They do call the fast food industry modern day slavery. Yeah, I said it.
#3. Chewbacca is white.
He only hangs around with Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and he has nothing good to say about Lando Calrissian. It's just a mere coincidence that he doesn't like the only black man in the Star Wars universe. And don't given me that Mace Windu crap. If Samuel Jackson was such a badass do you really think Senator Palpatine could have shot him out a window with a lightning bolt? And have you ever seen a black dude do the Chewbacca screech. Really?
#4. The Easter Bunny is white.
This makes perfect sense. If Jesus was white and Jesus died at Easter, Easter is therefore white; so it should follow that the bunny that represents it is white as well, because nothing says Jesus died for your sins like handing out painted eggs.
#5. Simba is white.
There's no whiter actor than Matthew Broderick. I mean black people didn't even exist in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It was set in Chicago and no Florida Evans was in sight. Believe me, Simba was white. Another way you can tell he was white was that he didn't split verbs. Now the hyenas? They were black.
#6. Adam & Eve were white.
Yes they were. It doesn't matter if something pesky like science has found that the mother of all humanity came from a black woman in Sub-Saharan east Africa. Nothing tells the truth like a Renaissance painting. Frescos trump research every time.
#7. Mr. Yunioshi was white.
That's right kids. Holly Golightly's neighbor from Breakfast at Tiffany's was white. See, white people are the clearest and cleanest palette from which to build racial stereotypes. Just throw on some thick glasses, buck teeth, squint a bit and you have a Japanese guy. Pronounce all words with an L in them like Rs and the package is complete. Besides, in 1961 there were no Asian actors. Don't let them lie to you.
#8. Ramesses the Great was white.
If Cecile B. DeMille says the greatest ruler of Egypt was white it's good enough for me. You say he was descended from Nubians from what is now present-day Sudan? All of his statues depict him having a broad nose and full lips. Eh, Nubians Schmubians. You think they would let a Nubian kiss Anne Baxter? I mean come on. Really?
#9. Superman is white.
And not only is he white, he's American which is the freaking most awesome thing you can just about be! He shows us that a man from another planet---hell, even another species---can come to America and be the greatest symbol of immigration. Now, if he were from the planet Mexicon instead of Krypton, that "S" on his chest would stand for Self-Deportation Man.
#10. The Miser Brothers are white.
Two unwed adult brothers fighting for mommy's affection? Sounds like the basis for a Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams play to me which makes them white, sexually repressed and probably gay. I knew it. Those young houseboys running around like they do? Hmmm...
#11. The shark from Jaws is white.
If that shark was black it would have just been happy getting the white girl in the beginning of the film and then living out its life on basketball before retiring to endorsement deals. But since it came back, it had to be white. It's a shark, so the logic doesn't have to make sense here.
#12. The Cosbys were white.
Finally, after all these years the truth can finally be revealed. A black family whose father is a doctor and a mother who's a lawyer. Respectful well-mannered children with pronounceable names who all went to college. Claire isn't fighting another black woman pool side? Vanessa and Denise aren't getting pregnant? Theo ain't selling weed? Rudi's not using the word "bitch" as if its punctuation? Cliff sticking around to raise his children?! Now that's impossible. Just ask Bill O'Reily and Don Lemon---they seem to know everything about the black family.
And here's a bonus just for good measure:
Mickey Mouse is white.
Why do I think he's white? Have you seen him dance? I haven't seen skinny legs move this uncoordinatedly since Miley Cyrus on the VMAs.
Well kids, I hope this helps you out. Going forward, Megyn and I don't want you to be confused. We don't want you falling into that silly inclusive "everybody-should-feel-represented" trap because it's very important that fictional characters be identified by race.
