North Carolina to pass law prohibiting youngsters from carrying candy without a permit

Raleigh, NC

The Republican controlled General Assembly is poised on passing an unprecedented law. In the second-degree murder trial of the slain teenager, Trayvon Martin, defendant George Zimmerman was found “Not Guilty.” After the facts of that tragic night were revealed in the courtroom, North Carolina is prepared to be the first state to make it a law that you must have a permit to carry packaged candy in your pockets if you're younger than twenty-seven.

Attorneys Mark O'Mara and Don West, defense lawyers for George Zimmerman, proved in open court that a bag of Skittles can become weaponized in the hands of a teenager. The proposed law is not without controversy.  State Representative Simon Le Bon (R-Tobaccoville)--no relation to the lead singer of the 80s band Duran Duran--who introduced the bill assured the public that this was the right thing to do. "I've seen this time and time again. These packaged candies get in the hands of the wrong people and innocent people are murdered. How many will be killed by the rainbow before we do something?" he said in a passionate plea on the legislature floor.

Unlike the Stand Your Ground law that passed in NC in 2011 by a party line vote, the Hide Your Candy law has divided the Tarheel GOP. Christopher Hewitt--no relation to the actor who played Mr. Belvedere in the 80s hit sitcom--V.P. of marketing for the powerful N.C.A (National Candy Association) said in a tersely written email to its members that making people have to get permits to carry candy in their pockets is a slippery slope. "Liberals along with that uncircumcised Hittite Obama want to take our candies away from us. This is unprecedented. What's next? Nabs?...or God forbid they try to stop us from buying multi-candy-packs!" This caused an uproar in the candy carrying community. Many called their state representatives telling them they were law-abiding candy owners. But others in the conservative movement think this is a great way of curtailing crime. Ultraconservatives Alex Jones and Larry Elder both agree that keeping candy out of the hands of "young black thugs" (a euphemistic term coined on the right) is paramount to keeping America safe. Mr. Jones reported on his website that thousands of young black men were stockpiling packaged candies. A commenter affirmed that he could not find a Now And Later anywhere in Duvall County, Florida. Mr. Elder on his daily radio show said that he knew for a fact that the New Black Panther party was giving out free candies to new recruits.

Rachel Jeantel, who is now the official spokesperson for the New Black Panther Party responded to the questions of the free candy giveaway with the short statement "That's real retarded, SIR." Mr. Elder's accusations have angered many civil rights leaders who said this legislation smacks of racial profiling. But Republicans fired back that its not racial profiling siting the high profile case of Belinda Carlisle--no relation to the lead singer of the 80s girl group The Go-Go’s--who reported being terrorized in her Alamance County home by a black youth. "I was so scared. I could see a pack of Starburst peaking out his pocket. I literally feared for my life."

The Zimmerman defense team put Dr. Anthony Michael Hall--no relation to the actor from the 80s movie The Breakfast Club--on the stand where he proved empirically that black men have an extra set of suppressed DNA that causes them to be able to turn innocuous objects into weapons. Under oath Dr. Hall said that he has seen in experiments he's conducted "Black men viscously injure each other with bags of Paz Easter bunny marshmallows." When asked how the doctor came to these conclusions, he explained that he would randomly kidnap young black men, lock them in cages for several weeks or sometimes years, without food, water or human contact, then at gun point make them fight each other by using any snack food necessary. "They quickly turn violent with just the slightest bit of provocation," he said.

The state is divided on the Hide Your Candy law. But most people are just fearful like Appavoo Parumel--no relation to my college math professor--who works as a cashier at the 7-11 near the Lewisville exit on Highway 52 in Clemmons. He said he's seen a lot of young men buying candy and putting them in their pockets. "They come in here and buy a lot of candies. Mostly M & M Peanuts. That's the scariest to me. They have peanuts on the inside."

African American parents also expressed a higher level of concern for their children, especially boys. Vernice Ledbetter--no relation to my Sunday School teacher--expressed emotionally, after church at the Greater New Jerusalem A.M.E.C.O.P.D. Zion Church of Christ in Christ in Hendersonville on Sunday where they held a prayer vigil, that every time she sends her teenaged son out to the store she's afraid he may not come back. "I tell him. If he's going to buy candy walk slowly and always, always keep the candy out in the open where people can see it. Expect to be followed. I would hate to get a call that my son is dead because somebody felt threatened because he was walking around with candy in his pocket."