Jason is Tresha's father and Ferren is Tresha's daughter

I stared at the child-like scrawling handwritten note on the upstairs credenza. I don't think she tried to hide it from me. After all it was just there beside the door to her room. A note detailing how far my mother's condition had travelled. A simple bit of information detailing intimate knowledge of her life that she could no longer hold in her brain. The Jason of the note is my brother. Her oldest son. Tresha is his daughter. And Ferren is his granddauther. Straightforward you would think. My mother only had two sons and two grands and four great grands. Surely eight names and relationships should not prove to be so ponderous that she would have to document them. But here it was in front of my eyes.

I tell people that my vision of Alzheimer's is like magic. Not the fun legerdemain of rabbits in top hats or sawing pretty assistants in half. No, this magic is menacing. It is trickery. It is illusion. Imagine yourself sitting in a chair. Watching television talking to your son. The sun is out and your dog is sitting by your feet. Then you blink your eyes and suddenly its night. And there's a person sitting in front of you asking you questions you are at odds to answer. Then another blink and the dog is back by your feet and your long dead mother is sitting in front of you and its 1967 all over again. Blink. You're back sitting in your recliner watching television and your son is telling you things he's said you've said but you have no idea what he's talking about.

Blink.

Dementia is like a reducing math problem. You start out as a child with a massive black board. It is empty. Pristine. You're given a piece of chalk. And told to write. So you set forth and start your math. You start out with the number One. That singular number that is your life. To that equation you add friends, husbands, children, education, careers, houses, bills, dramas, churches, artistic expressions, travels, illnesses, beauty and death. As you near the other end of the board you look over the totality of your life and you see this mesmerizing array of  calculus. Sprawling across the ether. Your life rich and dense. A massive equation that started way down there and through lush experiences has delivered you to this point in your elderly life. But then something goes wrong. A mechanism that's out of sync. A leaky pipe you can't find. Soon parts of those equations start disappearing. Not enough at first to mess up the math but just enough to make you look at it differently. A repeated question, a lost item, a missed bill payment. That's all the signals you or your loved ones get. Not that a blaring tornado siren would stop the onslaught of what is to come. And then the reduction starts in earnest. You stand-by helplessly as the numbers disappear as if its been written for a scene from a thriller. A montage of images from the hero's life slowly erasing from his mind. Then as the up-tempo music builds the random numbers on the blackboard start blinking out in rapid succession. Reducing and reducing counting down to the hero's doom. The evil villain off to the side handwringing and laughing maniacally.

Soon there are only a few scraps from which your loved one can pull their life together. So that's what she does. It doesn't matter if those memories are discordant with reality. Sometimes my mother thinks I'm her mother; which I guess is a complement to me. At least its somebody she feels safe around. Sometimes she thinks I'm my step-father and sometimes still she questions me as if we've never met. What many people don't know about Alzheimer's and other neurological diseases that cause dementia is that the sufferer's brain literally is eaten away. As much like science fiction as that may sound to witness it or worse to live through it is a daunting maze of sublime heartache. Haunting nostalgia and the bittersweet realization that the little bit your loved one was holding onto today may not be there tomorrow. You both are dangling from an ever shrinking ledge. Down below you see the swirling morass of obsession and delusion. The brain is like a battery and dementia is like corrossion. It simply decomposes the mind. Once the connections are gone they will never return. It renders even the most mundane chores insurmountable. To watch my mother, a well-educated former entrepreneur who ran several successful businesses over the course of her life, struggle through a monthly bank statement or a recipe or instructions presses me to find the beauty in caregiving. The constant barrage of the same questions fired rapidly always within minutes of each other and often during times when I am trying to do something else would try the most saintly of patience. This fierce woman becoming more childlike and fragile by the day. But unlike a child who learns that fire is bad once my mother forgets, that lesson will never return. Ever. She will never know that again. So the vigil becomes more dire as her behavior is framed by this memory reduction. I can't blink because if I do all the household trashcans may be laid-out in a straight line on the front walk. Blink and the phone is ringing and she's trying to answer the TV remote.

Blink.

But I have to say that so far it doesn't feel like a burden. Stressful but not a burden. Through pain and hardship I have been driven, bullwhipped I would even say into this inclement harbor. Docked to my mother at the end of her life. But somehow I think this is where I'm suppose to be. This seems right. This is the hour of the most important time of my life. To taste and touch every moment of this. To be here now in this place. More for her than me but it feels like I'm getting more out of the experience that she is. Savoring it no matter how painful. Because just around the corner there maybe a wonderful horizon. To float on those stories of her youth; like the time she snuck away from home at fourteen to go to a party and ended up talking to a boy at a local beer hall. Or the one where she married her first husband a second time (after a tumultuous divorce) when he swept into town and took her to Brooklyn where he promptly locked her in his apartment for three days while he went on a drinking binge. I can see her now escaping that apartment in her 1954 black and white Ford Skyliner driving all the way from New York to North Carolina non-stop. And how about the time when she was six and her mother became the first black person to have a play produced at the Carolina Theater in downtown Winston-Salem. In Wake Up Chillin' there was a scene in a cemetery. The children were to talk to their ancestors. Because of budget restraints none of the child actors which included my mother practiced in costume. Opening night the children were onstage ready for the emotional climax of the play when the adults came out covered in white sheets. Of course this sent her and all of her young cast mates screaming up the aisles in fright! They thought real ghosts were after them. These are the bright spots of the day when the steely grasp of the disease releases her. And I'm here to tell that story. We often ask God "Why me?" I know I have. But I think I've been given my answer. Why me? Who else but me. Because Gwen is my mother and I am her son.