Thursday, May 19, 2011

Repunzel's Mother

There's an (in)famous story that I've told over the years, that when reminded of a particular childhood game my mother and I Daryl T Sturgis with blonde hairplayed—I say my mother conveniently forgot about it while others have said she blocked out the horror—can be said was the beginning of my creative life. It goes like this:

As a child I loved fairy tales. Castles, witches, evil-doers, beautiful damsels, dashing princes, wicked demons and fabulous (yes fabulous) dragons. I cherished the books my mother bought me. I still have a copy of a 1962 edition of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and a now battered Grimm Brother's Fairy Tales that I still read every time I visit her. But my all time favorite story was Repunzel. Okay this is where the tale gets dicey. My mother's house has a curved staircase that descends from the second floor and opens onto a foyer. My room was on the side of the house the directly overlooked the entrance hallway. I used to sit tingling with anticipation in my room with the door closed, a yellow sheet tied around my head awaiting my mother's call. She would stand at the bottom of the staircase and shout. "Repunzel! Repunzel! Let down your hair!" I would immediately rush from my tower cell and throw my fabric-cum-hair over the railing so that my Mother, the Prince, could climb my cotton treses to rescue me! I still laugh every time I tell that story. See the above sentence and draw your own conclusion on why my mother does not remember that game!

Now I've always said, indulgence not withstanding, that you can not be your true self until you are otherwise inspired. Now it helped that my mother is a musician and writer herself. But imagine being able to completely be yourself in your own self-appointed world and it be alright with whomever is important to you. Clichéd as it may sound—but no man is an island. We are put together from strings of experiences (both good and bad), peppered with a dash of youthful hope and inspired by some one who is nice, encouraging and forgiving of our foolishness and mayhem. When I first started writing seriously I envisioned myself the Grandma Moses—who didn't turn to painting until her seventies—of the literary world. To take my maturity and circumspection and produce a world class novel and at 43 years-old become my generation's Toni Morrison. I wrote several authors whom I admired seeking novice advice. Out of the five that I wrote only two responded. Looking back on it I probably seemed like a deranged fan, but both of these gifted and special people gave me their personal contact information and invited me to call them at anytime. Could you imagine that response now (this was 15 years ago) what with digital identity theft, online bullying and e-stalking at its zenith. Over the years I've come to know them in professional and somewhat personal fashion. I congratulated them on their successes and asked them many, many, many, many (can't say many enough) many questions about writing, publishing, etc. They took the time and patience to answer my questions and provided me with the encouragement a fledgling artist needs. James Earl Hardy told me to stay true to my work and Octavia Butler schooled me that I would be "rejected again and again and again". I can't tell you how many times she said that AND and how many times I have since been rejected. Again and again and again. But they both inspired me to be a better writer and to hold on and persevere.

It should be one of our purposes in life to inspire others to do greater things. 2011 has been a tough year for me. You can read my desultory rant here. Suffering self-diagnosed dysthymia I wallowed in the torment of self pity. Helen Keller once said:

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.


She was a miraculous worker to me. Recently I was speaking with my mother and she said something shocking. She said I had inspired her to be more diligent and passionate about her own work. She wanted to put together a book of her poetry and songs. Then a few days later two other friends mentioned they too were inspired by my pushing through tough times and adversity to find the strength to carry on. Then came the kicker. A young man whom I met via the internet who happens to be a special needs individual said I inspired him to be more open and fearless when dealing with life. He said "I am outgoing, but its nice to have friends to move me to be better and greater then i have done on my own." He's in college and now there are plans to make a documentary and write a book about his extraordinary life. 'Amazing' I said during an instant message chat. All this time I had no idea the affect on him I had or other people for that matter. And that's the point. Just a little kindness and encouragement goes a long way. Roseanne Barr wrote on the fame monster in a recent piece I read in New York magazine. Read it. She discussed how fame can make you proud and vacuous. She stated, without a shred of immodesty, that she knows she was a feminist pioneer. She has indeed inspired many to understand that being different does not connate being less-than.

I thank all those who've inspired me over the years like old friends: Keith Randall, Javan Wakefield, Anthony L. Carter, Michael Luongo and even that evil Trini spectre Martin Arnold; and new friends like L. Michael Gipson who (though we have never met) radiates light and sage knowledge from the pages of his facebook profile so much so I can't wait to read his next update. I acknowledge all of the many mentors I've had over the years that challenged me to do better: Gerotha Gentry (North Forsyth High School), Dr. Peter Radcliffe (Johnson C. Smith University) and Alexander Plata (my old manager at Lechter's Housewares) to name a few. We should all follow in these first-class footsteps. Not great big giant Neil Armstrong steps but just everyday, ordinary, plain folks footsteps; to help each other become better people. To treat each other with respect and kindness. Not be dismissive or abusive. To push each other harder than ever to not settle for anything short of extraordinary. So if you happen to see a little boy running around with a yellow sheet tied to his head. Don't ridicule or bully him. Just tell him to let down his hair.

Monday, May 9, 2011

You can't cry on a diamond's shoulder...but they're sure fun when the sun shines

Elizabeth Taylor was, in the vernacular of the black gay community, the epitome of Elizabeth Taylor by Richard Avedonlegendary overness (pronounced OH-vah-nesssss—start with a full throttled and excited "O" and end with a very long and sassy "S"). Expansively she rained glamour and personality all over our landscape fertilizing our imaginations and libidos with bejeweled sirenship. The size of Ms. Taylor's diamond footprint (it is a form of carbon befitting her) was/ is celestial in scope. Her passions were unfiltered and never egocentric. She made humanitarianism and scandal look both tasty and easy. I've heard from several people who knew her, as was reported in the June 2011 issue of Vanity Fair; Tim Mendelson, her former personal assistant, states to Sam Kashner, "she had a genius for creating chaos around her." Throughout this pandemonium she would remain aloft floating above the bedlam serenely untethered to the drama she had concocted. Like the beautiful gardenias she cultivated in her garden, she was regal and bewitching while surrounded by swarms of deadly—but utterly harmless to her—bees.

Gwen and Gucci ca. 2010I mourn Elizabeth. She was one of The Ones, a select group of a few boldfaced names that I would have loved to get to know before they passed. James Baldwin I didn't get to know but Octavia Butler, thankfully I did. I admire Ms. Taylor for the obvious reasons as well as the not-so-apparent ones. She actually reminded me very greatly of my mother, not because of either woman's incandescent style or penchant for multiple marriages, but because they were both smart business women during a time when women "asked" not demanded and they were never apologetic for their flaws or accomplishments. La Liz (a name she hated) was branded long before we had LiLo, JLo, JHud, Branjolina, TomKat or any of the other silly concocted nicknames TMZ and Perez Hilton can slam together for puerile affect. Elizabeth was fiercely loyal to her friends and she was an independent thinker. How many of us go through life looking for the time or moment to make that move?--To not feel stupid or tense? To step up and say "Hello" or ask for a raise and push for better treatment? To affirm "I'm not looking for validation but to follow my dream and screw what people think?"

Elizabeth lived her life in the now. Her verbs were always action-oriented and in the present tense. She was always going, always doing, always living, always being...alive. What a grand feeling that must be! To live a life of bold unmuted colors. Not sitting back watching life but out in life not afraid of that first step (don't look down 'cause it's a dusey). We can learn much from these two women--Elizabeth and Gwendolyn. I've always said that Solstice was a composite of my mother and my two aunts. But I think there is some Elizabeth Taylor in Solstice too. They are both big, fast-living ballsy women. Man-eaters, husband-stealers. Sometimes Lilith, but never Eve. At home at the head of a bloodthirsty army or corporate boardroom as well as relishing their places in husseydom. They are gentle words casting softly or stunning vituperatives hurled venomously; not taking any shit from anyone yet looking-good-doing it kinda broads. Private lives lived publicly without appearing needy, ingratiating or panderous (sorry Nene.) And they both love jewelry. When Solstice was plotting the murder of a fellow student at university in my first novel Solstice, she chose to wear a matching amethyst ring and pendant set.

The next morning God sent an army of angels to wake up the sky ... It was something about Solstice that sullied them all, a dream of splattered blood on a freshly scrubbed floor. A cutting meandering fright, twinkling in that large and sparkly purple ring she had come to wear as of late. A radiant, glamorous peril in their midst.


But what Solstice, Elizabeth and my mother have in common is/ was an unwavering belief in their ability to affect the world around them, even in the tiniest ways. Most of us look for signs and augers to tell us if this decision or that decision is the right one. I think belief (or faith, if you will) is the obverse of the coin with fear. These women were bellwethers. The first person I knew who had a prenuptial agreement was not some Hollywood celebrity; it was my mother upon marrying her last husband. So many times we say the smart intellectual mind is too economical to think of faith but you must have it in order to not fear. Faith, that if we fail we don't lose but learn to carry on again. Faith, that whatever is fucked up at this moment won't or should not be our finality. It will get better. Maybe not easier, but better. Faith, that we are good--not pious--but good people. Faith that we are not vindictive, mean-spirited or dull. Faith, that even if seemingly naive, will lead you to the belief that all things will be all right. And as you believe your fears will dissipate. You soon realize that you can live your life on your terms and without the expense of repercussion from gossipers and haters. We can strive to be more confident and transcend the titles of "slut," "loser," or "faggot" and have the faith, as did Elizabeth Taylor, to embrace the entirety of ourselves. So I have embraced my drama, temper, procrastination and delayed adulthood and I go forth fearlessly and with faith (and hopefully with a David Yurman Armory sterling silver link with pave black diamonds bracelet I've been lusting for) and be my full fabulous-self.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

As if hell was built for rabbits!

As if hell was built for rabbits! So is written my favorite line in HG Wells' The War of the Worlds. The book that has sparked more than a century of imaginations about the possibility of aliens and space travel. From the classic Cold War masterpiece The Day the Earth Stood Still to the saccharin ET the Extraterrestrial to the lumbering oafish Independence Day; we owe those death rays, warp engines and even the notion of the modern sexy sci-fi female character to HG Wells. Lt. Uhura and Trinity owe Miss Elphinstone—who in Edwardian England when "Ladies" were demure and chaste, showed her mettle during the panic to flee London by fending off rapists and attackers with a bull-whip, carrying a pistol and threatening to shoot another refugee's horse who was trying to take advantage of her and her sister-in-law—a debt of gratitude for being such a strong and determined woman.

When I first came across The War of the World's it was in the form of a part of a series of vintage literature that had been turned into graphic novels or comic books to make great books more palatable for kids. It certainly fired my own dreamworlds where as a child I created the galactic spanning empires of The Khran. The Khran's home planet of Khrantanium was millions of light years from earth. They settled on Jupiter thousands of years ago right under it's Great Red Spot. Cocoville their capital was a huge metropolis of over 1 billion people living in an area the size of Delaware. The city was as dense as Manhattan and had a 300-story skyscraper (take that Burj Khalifa) that soared to over 4,100 feet; a subway that traveled at speeds of 1,000 miles per hour. There were posh neighborhoods like Auznia and Bandragina, bad areas like The Pits and Merchosine; I even had urban renewal projects called Quadroplexes where the city would raze 16-square blocks of decrepit housing at a time and build huge 50+ floor residential blocks with open air parks and public transportation to help middle and low income Cocovillians have access to better living. I guess it was the Aquariun in me to be so civic-minded even in creating adequate housing for hardworking alien colonists.

Unlike many other 19th century speculative fiction writers: Jules Verne (whose work was often a hoity toity mix of condescending smarty-pants science fiction) and Bram Stoker (whose Dracula is nothing more than an effete and overlong pulper), Mr Wells (without the period as the British love to do) was democratic in his writing. It wasn't by random chance that the aliens landed in the middle-class—don't think of it in today's socio-economic terms. The middle classes in 1906 England were hard working often downtrodden and put upon people. Here's a little primer—village of Woking. In his book there are no muscular former marine or special forces officer with tidy hair and flat abs who have nothing left to live for; or a young plucky kid carrying the secrets of universal (or at least terrestrial) salvation in his blood. The narrator of The War of the Worlds was an everyman just describing the horror that he witnesses. He travels the English countryside without fear and so is revealed what lies at the heart of this book. The nature of fear.

Not just the fear of the unholy and truly alien Martians with their tentacles and need for human blood. But the routine everyday mundane fear that keeps us tucked away imprisoned in our orderly taxpaying, Royal Wedding following, saying "bless you" to a sneezer, going green because it helps Mother Earth, I'm so sad that All My Children is going off the air lives. When all hope is lost the unnamed narrator comes across a soldier in hiding; the surprising philosophical discussing that ensues sticks to my brain and becomes more powerful as I get older. This artilleryman describes what he thinks life under the Martians would be like. Humans would either become cattle or pets. He said that the vast majority of people would submit to the Martians not because man had been defeated indeed that had already happened. Most people would commit to bondage because they feared the unknown. In a great monologue this unlearned soldier broke down our relationship to fear.

They haven't any spirit in them--no proud dreams and no proud lusts; and a man who hasn't one or the other--Lord! What is he but funk and precautions? They just used to skedaddle off to work--I've seen hundreds of 'em, bit of breakfast in hand, running wild and shining to catch their little season-ticket train, for fear they'd get dismissed if they didn't; working at businesses they were afraid to take the trouble to understand; skedaddling back for fear they wouldn't be in time for dinner; keeping indoors after dinner for fear of the back streets, and sleeping with the wives they married, not because they wanted them, but because they had a bit of money that would make for safety in their one little miserable skedaddle through the world. Lives insured and a bit invested for fear of accidents. And on Sundays--fear of the hereafter. As if hell was built for rabbits! Well, the Martians will just be a godsend to these. Nice roomy cages, fattening food, careful breeding, no worry.


How much of our lives does that passage detail. I love the movie Airport but there was a scene in which the wife of the swaggering pilot of the doomed aircraft remarks that yes she knows he's cheated on her for years but one day he'll get tired of the cute stewardesses and come home for something other that to change his clothes. She was afraid of being alone. She had no spirit or pride or lust. My good friend Anthony Carter blogs about how fear in relationships can not only be detrimental but potentially deadly. We live in a world of unbridled irrational fear. Fear of bin Laden, shoe bombers and 3 oz. vials of liquid . Fear of Mexicans crossing the border to steal our jobs and teach our children spanish. Fear of gay people marrying or teaching or serving in the military because nothing says "Daddy" like a broad-chested man in camo fatigues. Fear that the President of the United States is not a citizen (as if that would preclude him from screwing up the country--need I name names George, Condi, Dick and Sarah). The artilleryman had what it took to survive. It would fight at all costs to stay free and unafraid. The soldier and narrator were able to push through their fear and indeed in the end nature took care of the Martians.

Fear is a devastating spike we self-inflict on a daily basis. It is fear that has kept us off the stage of our lives observing from behind the curtain in the wings watching the crowd waiting for our moment in the spotlight. But life is about living. There is living in life. And nature will take care of the rest. Don't be fearful anymore. Leap with joy and vanquish those restraints. If there is a job, a lover or a situation that you want out of then just leave. I'm not preaching impetuous behavior not at all. We all have responsibility but make sure that obligation is love motivated not fear motivated. Fear will consume and control every aspect of your life until you live in a guilded cage in a world where freedom means discomfort. Be bold! Be fearless. I leave you with the words of the indomitable Master of Great Teachings: Yoda.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."